Doug can i talk with you for a moment

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Let's reshape it today. Corning Gorilla Glass TougherTogether. ET India Inc. Expressing your feelings directly — "I feel devastated" — actually reduces the impulse to blame. Ask yourself, "What feelings am I failing to express? Has the other person acknowledged my feelings? Blaming the victim is suggesting that they brought it on themselves, that they deserved to be victimized. This is terribly unfair and can be very painful — it's not their fault they were attacked.

However, to solve forward, focusing on contribution is useful: you did contribute to being mugged by choosing to walk alone at night, and you can change your contribution to reduce the likelihood it will happen again. Here's 4 common contributions that are often overlooked: Avoiding until now. You allowed the problem to continue unchecked by not addressing it earlier, or even worse, by only complaining about it to a third party instead of the person with whom you're upset.

Being unapproachable. If your interpersonal style is being uninterested, unpredictable, short-tempered, judgmental, punitive, hypersensitive, argumentative, or unfriendly, others may be less likely to raise things with you which becomes part of the system of avoidance between you. Intersections between people of different background, preferences, communication style, or assumptions about relationships.

In intersections, no one is to blame; people are just different. Only after understanding the intersection can communication improve, and often we will have to compromise our preferences to stay together.

Problematic assumptions about your role in a situation. Issues can arise if your role assumptions differ from others', but also when they are shared. Commonly shared assumptions like "leaders set strategy; subordinates implement it" have limitations and potential negative impact. However, it's hard to change unless people have an alternate model that everyone thinks is better, and the skills to make that model work at least as well as the current approach.

Moving from blame to contribution Always ask, what is my contribution? What is their contribution? Who else is involved? You can subsequently help them find their own contribution by: Making your observations and reasoning explicit. Share very explicitly what you saw or what you recall they did that triggered your reaction. Clarifying what you would have them do differently. Make a specific request for how the other person can change their contribution to help you change yours.

Both of you must realize what you each need to do differently to improve the situation. The Feelings conversation Feelings matter, and are often at the heart of difficult conversations. Sharing your feelings requires three steps: Sort out what your feelings are Negotiate with your feelings Share your actual feelings, not attributions or judgments about the other person Finding your feelings It's challenging to recognize our feelings — they're usually more complex than we can imagine, and they're good at disguising themselves.

There are some assumptions that people incorporate into their footprint than can be damaging: Damaging assumption 1: There's something wrong with having feelings. Feelings are normal and natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. Damaging assumption 2: There are certain emotions "good people" should never feel.

Everyone feels anger, everyone has the urge to cry sometimes, everyone fails, and everyone needs other people. Everyone has conflicted emotions sometimes, and it has nothing to do with whether we are a good person. Damaging assumption 3: Other people's feelings are more important than ours. Many times in life, we choose to put someone else's feelings ahead of our own.

Does this make sense? Why do they express their feelings and preferences, but we cope with ours privately? Don't undervalue your own feelings and interests. Sometimes hard-to-find-feelings: Love : affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate Anger : frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant Hurt : let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy Shame : embarrassed, guilty, regretful, humiliated, self-loathing Fear : anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious Self-doubt : inadequate, unworthy, inept, unmotivated Joy : happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content Sadness : bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed Jealousy : envious, selfish, covetous, anguished, yearning Gratitude : appreciative, thankful, relieved, admiring Loneliness : desolate, abandoned, empty, longing Another common pattern is when there is an underlying feeling that we are not even aware of, but interferes with our experiences — for example, buried anger can interfere with the ability to express love.

Judgments : "If you were a good friend you would have been there for me. Negotiate with your feelings Get everything you are feeling into the conversation, but before saying what you are feeling, negotiate with your feelings. Our feelings are formed in response to our thoughts and the story we tell ourselves about what's happening, and as our thinking is often distorted in predictable ways, there is generally fertile ground for negotiation: First, we examine our own story and its impact on how we feel, and find the gaps where it's missing information or differs from the other person's story.

We then explore our untested assumptions about the other person's intentions. Could they have acted unintentionally, or with conflicting intentions? And what about our own intentions and motivations, and how our actions could have impacted them? Finally, consider the contribution system. Can we see our own contribution to the problem, and can we describe each person's contribution without blaming? Don't vent; describe your feelings carefully You can express emotion well without being emotional, and you can be extremely emotional without expressing much of anything at all.

Here are some guidelines for expressing your feelings: Frame feelings back into the problem. Remember that feelings are important, and even if you have to preface their expression with an admission that you're uncomfortable with the feelings, make sure you follow up by expressing them.

Get them out. Express the full spectrum of your feelings. Take the time to paint a more complete picture of your feelings, which adds depth and complexity to the conversation: "It's hard for me to talk to you about this, but I feel a couple of things Don't evaluate — just share.

Get everyone's feelings on the table before you start to sort through them. Premature evaluation of feelings will undermine their expression. Save problem-solving until later. Express your feelings without judging, attributing, or blaming. Look at the actual words you are using, and whether those words are conveying what you want them to. Stay away from blame, even implied; focus on the pure feeling first. Don't monopolize; both sides can have strong feelings at the same time.

Get both sides' conflicting emotions on the table. The important of acknowledgement Each side must have their feelings acknowledged before you can start problem solving. The Identity conversation Some conversations are overwhelmingly difficult as we're not just facing the other person, we're also facing ourselves. Three identity issues are particularly common: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love? The all-or-nothing syndrome The biggest contributing factor to a vulnerable identity is "all-or-nothing" thinking: I'm either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not.

Step 1: Become aware of your identity issues This is the first step in grounding your identity. Step 2: Complexify your identity A self-image that allows for complexity is healthy and robust. There are three characteristics that are especially important to accept about yourself: You will make mistakes.

This helps you understand and accept the legitimate aspects of the other person's story. A positive side effect is that competent people who take mistakes in stride are actually seen as more confident than those who resist acknowledging even the possibility of a mistake.

Your intentions are complex. Be honest with ourselves and the other person about the complexity of our motivations. You have contributed to the problem. Assess and take responsibility for your own contribution. Learn to regain your balance The question isn't whether you will get knocked over you will — it's whether you are able to get back on your feet and keep the conversation moving productively.

You can do these things before and during the conversation to help maintain and regain balance: Let go of trying to control their reaction. It's good to not hurt the other person during your conversation, but don't try to smooth over or stifle their reaction "Look on the bright side; it's not so bad after all". It will make things worse — you might just look like you don't understand or care. Apply the And Stance: give the bad news, take responsibility, show you care how they feel, and try to be helpful.

Prepare for their response. Take time in advance to imagine the conversation and how they might respond. Do any of their potential responses implicate identity issues for you?

Is it OK for you to make someone cry? How will you respond if they attack your character or motivation? Imagine that it's three months or ten years from now. Eventually you'll feel better, and someday it might not seem so important. When looking back at this period, what do you think you'll have learned?

How will you feel about how you handled it? What advice would your future self give your current self? Take a break. Sometimes you're just too close to the problem and too overwhelmed by your identity quake to engage effectively. Ask for some time to think about what they've said — even ten minutes to untangle your thoughts, weighing all the information you have about yourself, can help.

In what ways is what they're saying true? Their identity is also implicated Even as we're having our own identity quake, the other person is likely grappling with their own identity issues. Make the Identity conversation explicit In some cases, you can share your Identity conversation to directly get to the heart of what's going on: "I'm sensitive to X", "I've always regretted Y". Find the courage to ask for help Some issues are easier dealt with if we get help from family, friends, colleagues, or professionals.

Creating a learning conversation: When to raise it and when to let it go You can't have every difficult conversation you come across.

There are several kinds of conversations that don't make sense, and may not be worth pursuing: Is the real conflict inside you? Maybe the difficulty of the situation lies in what's going on inside you rather than what's going on between you and the other person. Is there a better way to address the issue than talking about it? Sometimes actions are better than words, and a change in your behavior is the optimal solution Do you have purposes that make sense?

Are you sure about what the point is, or what a good outcome would look like? Here are some purposes that don't work: We can't change other people. When we try to change someone, we're likely to argue with and attack their story and less likely to listen, causing them to feel defensive. Change can only happen if they think we understand and respect them, which only happens in a conversation with mutual learning as the goal.

People are more likely to change if they feel free not to. Don't focus on short-term relief with long-term cost. If your purpose is to change the person's behavior, to vent or tell them off, having the conversation may actually produce the negative consequences you fear.

You will jeopardize the relationship, hurt their feelings, and provoke a defensive reaction. Instead, negotiate with yourself to shift your purposes. Don't hit-and-run. If you're going to talk, really talk. And if you're going to really talk, you can't do it on the fly — you have to plan a time, be explicit about needing ten minutes or an hour.

If hit-and-run is all you can do "Late again, eh? Letting go Sometimes, you have to let go. A good place to start is in the Identity conversation, by adopting some liberating assumptions: It's not my responsibility to make things better; it's my responsibility to do my best. Let go of the fantasy that things can be better. They have limitations too.

They are as imperfect as you are, and no matter how cleanly you share your feelings and perspectives and you each agree to change your behavior, they can continue to do it. They may not have the capacity to be different, at least not right now. This conflict is not who I am. When we integrate the conflict into our sense of who we are, it's especially hard to let go. The prospect of reconciliation can actually be threatening, as it robs us of our role and our identity as a community. Take a step back, and remember why you're fighting: you're fighting for what is right and fair, not because you need the conflict to survive.

Letting go doesn't mean I no longer care. You can let go of the emotions and identity issues in a difficult conversation; you can let go of anger while holding to love and memories. If you raise it: Three purposes that work The better you are at engaging difficult conversations, the fewer you will have to let go of.

Having sound purposes is crucial, ones focused on mutual understanding: Learning their story. Go into of the Three Conversations to explore the other person's perspective: their information, past experiences, intentions, feelings, reasons for what they did; how our actions impacted them and how we're contributing to the problem; how the situation affects their identity.

Expressing your views and feelings. Express your story to your own satisfaction — you can hope the other person will understand what you're saying, but you can't guarantee that. Just say, as well as you can, what is important for you to say in the Three Conversations. Problem-solving together. Given what you both have learned, what would improve the situation going forward? Is there a creative solution that satisfies both of your needs?

Can you come up with fair standards to resolve when your needs conflict in the future? Getting started: Begin from the Third Story The beginning of a difficult conversation is the most stressful yet most crucial moment — it's fraught with peril, but also an opportunity to influence the entire direction of the conversation. Why our typical openings don't help We take a deep breath and jump in, then realize we're over our heads. We begin inside our own story. When we jump into conversations by describing the problem from our perspective, we're beginning from the exact place the other person thinks is causing the problem — and they'll either defend themselves or counterattack.

We trigger their Identity conversation from the start. Our story contains a judgment about them, and inside our version of events, they're the problem. By starting with "I was very upset when you did X", we leave no room in our agenda for their story.

What's the best way to open instead? Step 1: Begin from the Third Story Take the vantage point of the Third Story, an invisible one that a keen observer or mediator would tell — one where both sides have valid concerns that need to be addressed; one that rings true for both sides simultaneously.

Describe your purposes : Let them know up front your goal is to understand their perspective better, share your own, and talk about how to go forward together. Invite, don't impose : Your offer and your Third Story should be open to modification. Make them your partner in figuring it out : Don't cast them in an unappealing light. Say, "Can you help me understand? The role you offer has to be genuine — but chances are you actually need their help to make real progress anyway.

Be persistent : Their initial reaction may be defensive by default, so be both persistent and open to their response. Some specific kinds of conversations Delivering bad news : It's usually better to deliver the bad news up front, instead of spending a long time working your way up to it, or trying to trick the other person into saying it first. But make it an exploration as well: "I wanted to let you know as early as I could, and to talk a little bit, if you'd like, about your reactions and our thinking.

From the information I have, I think I deserve one I wonder how you see it? It's best to start by talking about how to talk about it — "the way things usually go when we try to have this conversation" is the problem, and from the perspective of the Third Story ask if there's a better way we could address the issues.

Third Story, their story, your story Once you've begun with the Third Story, you have to have the real conversation. Each of the Three Conversations gives you a useful path to explore, with what you choose to do dependent on the context and the relationship: You can talk about the past experiences that have led each of you to see the current situation the way you do. Explore where each story comes from.

You can ask about the other person's intentions , and share the impact of their behavior on you. You can take responsibility for your contribution , how you've made the situation harder. You can empathize with how they might be feeling, or share how you're feeling. You can reflect on your identity issues that are triggered by the situation.

How to talk about it: Listening, expression, and problem-solving The Three Conversations provide a useful map for what to talk about; next we'll dive deep into how to talk about it. Learning: Listen from the inside out Listening to someone doesn't just help us see issues from their point of view — it also helps them listen to us. Skill 1: Inquire to learn The only good reason to ask a question should be "To learn". Make sure your questioning follows these guidelines: Don't make statements disguised as questions.

Although it feels safer, never ask a sarcastic question instead of making a request or sharing our feelings: "Are you going to leave the door open like that?

We lose more than we gain by doing so — the other person just focuses on the attack, and is distracted by the need to defend themselves. Don't use questions to cross-examine. Instead, share them as perceptions and ask for their response: "I understand you feel. What's your thinking about that? Ask them to be more explicit about their reasoning and their vision.

Ask, "What leads you to say that? Can you say a bit more about how you see things? What impact have my actions had on you? Were you reacting to something I did? How are you feeling about all this? Can you say more about why this is important to you?

What would it mean to you if that happened? If the answers aren't entirely clear, ask for clarification. Skill 2: Paraphrase for clarity Express to the other person, in your words, your understanding of what they are saying. Skill 3: Acknowledge their feelings When you paraphrase, try to respond not only to what they say, but also to their feelings. Expression: Speak for yourself with clarity and power Understanding the other person isn't the end of the matter — they need to hear your story too.

You are entitled No matter who we are, no matter how high and mighty or low and unworthy, we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Final thoughts You are the ultimate authority on you — you are an expert on what you think, how you feel — and you are entitled to say it; no one can legitimately contradict you.

Problem-solving: Take the lead Don't count on the other person to understand how to engage in a learning conversation. Skills for leading the conversation You're gonna have to take the lead for the conversation to go anywhere. Use these techniques to help keep the conversation on track: Reframing puts the conversation back on course when the other person heads in a destructive direction, and translates unhelpful statements into helpful ones. Listening lets you into the other person's world as well as keeps the conversation constructive.

Naming the dynamic is useful to address a troubling aspect of the conversation, especially when the other person is dominating the conversation. Reframe, reframe, reframe Reframing is taking the essence of what the other person's saying, and translating it into concepts that are more helpful — concepts from the Three Conversations framework: "I want to make sure I understand your perspective.

You obviously feel strongly about it. I'd also like to share my perspective on the situation. It wasn't my intention. Can you say more about how you felt? Rather than focus on whose fault this is, I'd like just to look at how we got there.

It's always the right time to listen You can't move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood , and they won't feel heard and understood until you've listened.

Name the dynamic: Make the trouble explicit Sometimes, reframing and listening aren't enough — no matter how hard you try, the other person will continue to interrupt, attack, or dismiss you; they act upset, then say nothing's wrong when you ask about it.

In these case, you can try naming the dynamic — raise for discussion what's happening in the conversation itself: "I've tried to say what I was thinking three times now, and each time you've started talking over me. I don't know whether you're aware that it's happening, but I'm finding it frustrating. If there's something important about what you're saying that I'm not understanding, please share — and then I want to be able to finish what I'm saying. I ask if you are feeling hurt by what I said, and you say, 'No , no, no, of course not.

I'm not that kind of person. At least that's how I'm seeing this. It seems to me the best thing to do is to try to figure out what I'm doing that might be upsetting to you. Otherwise, I don't think we're going to get anywhere. Now, begin to problem-solve Problem solving is gathering information and testing your perceptions, creating options that would meet both sides' primary concerns, and, where you can't, trying to find fair ways to resolve the difference.

If you're going to walk away without agreeing, you need two things: You need to explain why you're walking away. What interests and concerns aren't met by the solutions you're discussing? A willingness to accept the consequences. If you can't live with the possibility of negative outcome, then your best choice may be to renege — as long as you feel you've ultimately handled the conversation skillfully and made a wise choice at the end.

It takes time Most difficult conversations aren't a single conversation — they're a series of exchanges and explorations that happen over time. Where does your story come from information, past experiences, rules?

What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been? What have you each contributed to the problem? Understand Emotions. Explore your emotional footprint, and the bundle of emotions you experience. Ground your Identity. What's at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded? Step 2: Check your purposes and decide whether to raise the issue.

Step 3: Start from the Third Story Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Share your purposes. Step 4: Explore their story and yours Listen to understand their perspective on what happened.

Step 5: Problem-solving Invent options that meet each side's most important concerns and interests. Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward. Ten questions people ask about difficult conversations It sounds like you're saying everything is relative.

Aren't some things just true, and can't someone simply be wrong? What if the other person really does have bad intentions — lying, bullying, or intentionally derailing the conversation to get what they want?

In those situations: Be careful about rewarding bad behavior. You can try naming the dynamic and making the trouble explicit from a Third Story perspective. Clarify the consequences of no change. Make it clear that things aren't working for you as they are.

Think about what the real consequences of no change will be, and describe them clearly to the other person. What if the other person is genuinely difficult, perhaps even mentally ill? Good communication skills and support of peers, family, and professionals can mitigate these challenges somewhat, and additionally we should keep in mind that: Many syndromes do have some internal logic — even if it's not quite rational or correct logic, it can lend insight if we try to understand it from the inside.

Those suffering from these mental issues are not intentionally being difficult or hurtful — it's the disease that's compelling them to behave in those ways. There's no way to guarantee a particular outcome — you can't force another person to change, or to do what you want. Distinguish helping from fixing : focus on just fueling productive conversations, making sure your own actions aren't exacerbating the problem or their reactions. Sometimes, aggression may come from fear — if we can clarify and validate their concerns, we can stop the problem at its source.

Remember joint contribution — consider how you may be intentionally or not creating or sustaining a difficult dynamic. Patience and persistence pay — don't give up too easily or be surprised if change comes too slowly. Keep your eyes open for subtle changes in their openness to collaborative dialogue. How does this work with someone who has all the power — like my boss?

But be sure to distinguish between times when you are Commanding I decide, and I tell you my decision , versus times when you are: Consulting — I ask for your input, then I decide and tell you, Collaborating or negotiating — we decide together, Delegating — you decide. Isn't this a very American approach?

How does it work in other cultures? What about conversations that aren't face-to-face? What about phone or email? When reading email: Question your attributions. You don't actually know their intentions, and you don't know if it was actually your previous email that triggered what you perceive as an attack on you.

Hit pause. If you get a strong emotional reaction, just stop. Do nothing. Wait for an hour or overnight, then come back when you're feeling more balanced. Talk in person. Once any emotion enters the arena, it's time to switch your mode of communication. When writing email: Be extra explicit about your intentions, reasoning, and when appropriate to share your emotions.

Go out of your way to be clear to ward off potential misunderstanding. Select personalised content. Create a personalised content profile. Measure ad performance.

Select basic ads. Create a personalised ads profile. Select personalised ads. Apply market research to generate audience insights. Measure content performance. Develop and improve products. List of Partners vendors. Share Flipboard Email. Kenneth Beare. Updated January 21, Why is Susan concerned? Correct Wrong. What are they doing?

Which excuse does Doug give?